What do I want to do with my life?

This question is becoming the bane of my existence. You will more than likely get a different response based on who you speak with, but what I am finding is that overall you will get  the same general response: “What makes you happy?”

That answer, I would wager, is the problem to my question. A lot of things make me happy. Baking, coloring, singing, pretending I can write music, writing short stories, talking to people, watching movies, making movies, playing with my cat, swimming, scuba diving, video editing. With this response, a lot of people then divert to: “Well, if you had an endless supply of money, what would you do?”

To which I reply, MORE BULLSHIT! These questions don’t navigate your life. If anything, they confuse you more. I am a 24 year old film school drop out, who after 6 years of pursuit am finally (hopefully) getting my general studies associates degree from the community college I took duel enrollment courses at IN HIGH SCHOOL. I have been working as a tour guide and customer service rep for the past five or so years because I was born with this damn silver spoon in my mouth. No, really…I am so good at communicating with people I don’t know, you would think that I blend the Blarney Stone for breakfast and drink it like a smoothie.

So when you ask me “If you had an endless supply of money…?” I tell you what most people would, I would travel. I would spend time with my family, and my boyfriend. I would learn about other cultures, I would learn how to shoot a bow and arrow, and tap dance, and create pottery. God knows what else.

Unfortunately, being a full time student is NOT a lucrative career.

 

I suppose the reason I am so worked up about the issue is because people ask me this on a daily basis at work. “What do you want to do?” People love to ask tour guides this question. I think mostly because it is universally acknowledged that being a tour guide is one of the most unappreciated jobs. No, I don’t think I deserve a Nobel Prize, and yes I will admit that being a server or working retail is a close competitor, but for the most part, this job is up there with awful career paths. I guess I was just hoping that by now, I would have figured out where I want my life to take me.

I used to be so self assured when I was younger, and part of me thinks that I hate my younger self SO much, that my aspirations as a youth are tainted as well. I can’t even come close to connecting with the dreams I had when I was in high school, because I can’t connect with who I was then.

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2 thoughts on “What do I want to do with my life?

  1. STEPHANIE. Sans the whole “tour guide” thing, these words echo the dilemma of my soul right now. Especially the last paragraph.

    I’m really sad you’re struggling with this. It’s a serious emotional drag.

    I saw a gift card at Whole Foods yesterday that said, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail,” and just the concept – not even the answers – made me CRY. It feels like such a pathetic thing to get worked up about, but I did.

    I miss having these conversations with you.

  2. I feel the same about about silly gift cards like that. I do that consistently. Its a big reason I sit in silence a lot, because sometimes music makes me emotional on the whim I connect with the lyrics of the song.

    Although I hate to think that you are sad, it is nice to know that I am not alone in the way I feel. I am sure there are a lot of people out there that are in this position, but sometimes it feels really lonely to be where I am.

    I miss having conversations with you too.

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