My descent into mindfulness

Roller coaster doesn’t even begin to describe what happens to your emotions when you are unemployed. All self sufficiency pulled out from underneath you, and just going to the grocery store can be a depressing task. The thing that could potentially make you feel worse about your situation, is if you’ve moved far away from home, loved ones, and stability.

The thing I want you to understand is, I believe that there is hope, even if it is a tiny shred of light in the very distant future, its there.

I have to cling to this idea, that there is always light, even though my life seems like a vacuum.

I normally bake to make myself feel better, but it gets expensive, and I now have no one to give my baked goods to. Shipping costs a lot, so I can’t very well mail off every cookie and cupcake, Chris and I shouldn’t eat them all, and the only other person I know out here has more specific dietary food needs (I’m not complaining about them, I accept them as a challenge to my food knowledge!)

Something that Rosario practiced with me before I left, I recently learned is called mindfulness. Calm meditation and focused breathing. It seems to be that whole concept of in with the good, and out with the bad.

Probably the most common deterrent in my leaving the house is how I look. I am my toughest critic. Whether this is under the mindfulness category or not, I look at myself and go from “your overweight, your arms are gross, your hair looks dirty” to “This dress looks nice on you, your beautiful, not perfect, but who is?”

I take these tiny, silly little steps to increase my enthusiasm for leaving, or even for staying in, but actually getting out of bed.

I feel that the stumbling block I reach is that I don’t aim for goals. Instead of saying, “I feel like shit, I want to feel awesome” I aim for “I feel like shit, I want to not feel like shit”. Too vague. The brain wants craves more.

I want to feel creative, joyful, beautiful, intelligent, and with purpose.

It all comes with baby steps, and calm, guided, breathing.

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9 thoughts on “My descent into mindfulness

    • We should knit together! I only know knit and purl stitches so far. I’m going to get a book a friend recommended so I can learn more. šŸ™‚

      • that would be wonderful!! There is an event the first wednesday of every month called Stitch & Bitch, I was going to ask if you would go with me, its free.

      • and I really only know knit and purl as well, but I am forcing myself into cables for this cute hat. Its giving me a headache.

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