I am

I am never going to really change. I think I have finally settled into becoming who I am, truly.

 

I sometimes wonder what I will be like, you know, when I grow up. I look at how selfish I can be now, how lazy I am, how hard it is for me to commit to things. It makes me wonder how I will every be able to embrace adulthood. I wondered for a very long time how I would manage to settle down and feel ok with “spending the rest of my life” with someone. It never made sense to me. Love didn’t exist, and I didn’t think it was possible.

 

I hope I don’t speak too quickly in saying that it apparently takes the right person to understand that particular feeling.

 

I am hoping that this applies to careers, living, and even children. The selfishness fades away, the need to constantly run will slowly turn to a desire to wait things out.

 

I have no fear of the future. Just fear of not having one. Not that I am afraid of dying, although I feel that everyone is afraid of dying in some way. I am just concerned that I won’t get off my ass and do something about my life. I go through such enormous bouts of depression, it worries me that I will just eat myself to death and give up entirely.

 

enough sad emotion. For now, there is astronomy homework to complete, and I have been slacking off baking all day today. I made oreo brownies and homemade tortillas. Then I ran my ass off at the gym. Its a good balance.

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One thought on “I am

  1. this is something I think is good to read for you:

    A saying from the area of Chinese medicine would be appropriate to mention here: “One disease, long life, no disease, short life.” In other words, those who know what’s wrong with them and take care of themselves accordingly will tend to live a lot longer than those who consider themselves perfectly healthy and neglect their weaknesses. So, in that sense at least, a Weakness of some sort can do you a big favor, -if- you acknowledge that it’s there. The same goes for one’s limitations, whether Tiggers know it or not—and Tiggers usually don’t. That’s the trouble with Tiggers, you know: they can do -everything-. Very unhealthy.
    Once you face and understand your limitations, you can work -with- them, instead of having them work against you and get in your way, which is what they do when you ignore them, whether you realize it or not. And then you will find that, in many cases, your limitations can be your strengths.

    …Now, the last part of the principle: “Why does a chicken, I don’t know why.” Why does a chicken do what it does? You don’t know? Neither do we. Neither does anyone else. Science likes to strut around and Act Smart by putting its labels on everything, but if you look at them closely, you’ll see that they don’t really say much. “Genes”? “DNA”? Just scratching the surface. “Instinct”? You know what -that- means:

    CURIOUS: “Why do birds fly South for the winter?”
    SCIENCE: “Instinct.”

    It means “We don’t know.”
    The important thing is, we don’t really -need- to know. We don’t need to imitate Nearsighted Science, which peers at the world through an electron microscope, looking for answers it will never find and coming up with more questions instead. We don’t need to play Abstract Philosopher, asking unnecessary questions and coming up with meaningless answers. What we need to do is recognize Inner Nature and work with Things As They Are. When we don’t, we get into trouble.

    I love you.

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